2017 Power Rankings-Week 7
Introduction I have to get something off of my chest. It has been weighing on me for like a year. I have drafted Tom Brady six times. SIX! And you have no idea how frustrated I am that the one year I didn’t draft TB12, he won a championship with The Shotti Bunch. That’s it, that’s all. It’s just been bothering me. Anyway, on to the real introduction... And just when you thought things would get boring, 10 beats 3, 9 beats 2, 6 beats 4, and now it’s game on in the LOC. Slightly abbreviated Rankings this week as I'm swamped at work and having website issues. I know this only happens like once or twice a season but it still bums me out when I can't bring the best material to the rankings. Prayers up that I can get LOC Gameday up by Sunday morning. Stat Chat LOC * For the first time in LOC history, two teams finished with the exact same score. If JarJar and Papa had been playing each other this week, their game would have finished in a 219.08-219.08 tie. Disappointingly, however, Wednesday's point adjustment gave Papa an extra 0.90 points, so the history books will not recognize the milestone. *Pain Train becomes the 5th team to reach 50 combined wins. He does so in 96 games, two fewer than MMMS, thus making him the 4th fastest team to reach the mark. *Duck Punchers becomes the 8th team to reach 30 regular season losses. *Paddock 9 becomes the 2nd team to reach 50 regular season losses. *Sweet Dee becomes the 5th team to reach 40 regular season losses and does so in a record 58 games. *Paddock 9 and Jarjar have played twice this season and their combined head-to-head score is 361.27-378.47. A close rivalry indeed. *TSB becomes the 1st team to score over 200 in 70 combined games. *RIP becomes the 3rd team to score over 200 in 50 regular season games. NFL * Taylor Gabriel (DP) has five times as many redzone targets as Julio Jones (SD). * Christian McCaffrey (PP) is averaging the same number of receptions per game as DeAndre Hopkins (DP). * in 2016, Isaiah Crowell (P9) played more than 50% of snaps in 15 games. Through six weeks in 2017, he has only done so once. * When Stefon Diggs (P9) is out due to injury, Kyle Rudolph's (MMMS) average targets per game spikes to 9.5. *Per Field Yates: There are 296 players with a catch of 9+ yards over the past 4 weeks. Papa's WR Amari Cooper is not one of them. The Matchup Pain Train finally got back on track in week six against a disappointed but definitely not bitter Garoppoblow Me. It was a shootout of epic proportions at the runningback position, aided by a 40+ run in overtime by Jordon Howard and a 75-yard touchdown run on the first play by Leonard Fournette. New aquisition Jerick McKinnon finished with 32.28. And while those guy did well, the big story is Aaron Rodgers. Pain Train made the fantasy move of the year by benching Rodgers in favor of Deshaun Watson. We all know how that played out. And on the other side, the Rodgers injury negatively impacted Jordy Nelson (maybe permanently), and several other key players (Michael Thomas, CJ Anderson, Delanie Walker) forgot to show up. Pain Train coasted to the win. The Rankings Paddock 9 asked an interesting question on Monday. Who has the most hated team in the league? Well, since at the moment I hate every single one of you (love you as people, but hate you as fantasy teams), I decided to make the case for each team as to why they are the most hated. ---- 1(2). The Shotti Bunch Shotti has followed up a six-game losing streak to MMMS with a five-game winning streak. They lead the league in points and are 5-1 for the second straight year. TSB has to be the most hated team in the league because he always fucking wins. If not for him, we’d probably have six different champions in six different seasons. Instead, he treats us all like a Trump National Golf Course and owns us from his seat at the top. Time to protest. Everybody together now… “We...are...the 90 percent!” I'm hoping the Power Rankings Curse is real because that means Shotti is ripe for a loss. ---- 2(1). The Duck Punchers DP could have really used Henry's 40.83 bench points against Papa's Pussies, but I guess that's what you get when you step into the PussyDome. DP is having Carr trouble, but luckily Dak Prescott is here to keep the engine running. DP has to be the most hated team in the league because of his subtle behind-the-scenes maneuvering. How many times have I gone to pick up a guy only to see DP beat me to it? Winningest, top-scoringest team in LOC history. What a pain in the ass. ---- 3(5). Pain Train WOO WOO It’s all fun and games until Pain Train comes for you. Deshaun Watson is performing at a frankly unsustainable clip, but overall this team seems to somehow be performing better during their current 1-2 streak than during their initial 3-0 streak. Pain Train has to be the most hated team in the league because no one thinks his roster should be as good as it is and everyone considers PT a Consolation Tournament Team. Yet here they are, playing for a shot at 2nd place in week 7. ---- 4(4) RIPDab RIPDab Harvey Weinstein’ed his girlfriend’s team this weekend. The only difference is with Harvey Weinstein if you fucked him you kept your career alive and in this case RIP fucked Dee’s season into the grave. RIPDab has to be the most hated team in the league because he weasels his way to the semi-finals every single season, all the while letting us know how much smarter he is than everybody else. ---- 5(3). Garoppoblow Me GBM is 0-3 when scoring under 200 and 3-0 when scoring over 200. Including playoffs, GBM only failed to reach 200 four times all of last season. Maybe I need to follow in my father’s footsteps and change my team name from Garoppoblow Me to Garoppoblows D. GBM has to be the most hated team in the league because he literally runs the league and so he controls the message. He gets to spinzone everything and look great even when he’s terrible. ---- 6(8). Papa’s Pussies I stepped into the vault of obscure stats and found this: This is only the second week six win in franchise history. Sort of makes you think. Anyway, the reign of Papa's Pussies is off to a great start. Normally, PP would have lost on Monday Night Football in grueling fashion with that garbage time TD run by Henry. But this is some alternate reality. The Pussyverse. And in the Pussyverse, Papa rules Monday Night Football. The team is now 2-4, the same record they had during their Championship season. Speaking of which, Papa has to be the most hated team in the league because even though he has been average for years he has always been able to lean on his 2011 trophy, making all those above average teams who haven't won a Glory Bowl (RIPDab) extremely bitter. ---- 7(6). Paddock 9 I tried so hard to help P9 out this week. I shat on him endlessly for picking up Adrian Peterson. That was a clear MattJinx, and Peterson was basically guaranteed to have a massive game. But P9 didn't see it and benched AP. We all know how that went. Anyway, there goes the easy schedule. P9 faces playoff teams five of the next six weeks. P9 has to be the most hated team in the league because the only thing worse than a cocky winner is a cocky loser. P9 has taken the crown from RIPDab and now leads the league in delusions of grandeur. Sort of like how birds use the earth’s magnetic field as a compass to fly south, you can tell what time of year it is by the gravitational force of Paddock 9’s falsely-inflated ego. ---- 8(7). Ma ma momma said Momma’s team looks like the Patriots defense on third down. The players cannot get on the same page and they keep getting shredded by their opponent. MMMS scored less than 200 against TSB for the first time in franchise history. They'll need to go at least 5-2 to finish the season to have a shot at the playoffs. Not impossible as long as Zeke continues to play, but this is the same position they were in last season and they couldn't pull it together. MMMS has to be the most hated team in the league because he never wins but he still hogs a bunch of really good players that a bunch of contenders could use. Sort of like Antonio Brown going to waste on Peeled Eggplant last season, MMMS is now where Pro-Bowlers go to die. ---- 9(10). JarJar Stinks! To say this team has improved with the addition of Doug Martin is like saying "watching this movie improved when I opened my eyes and turned the volume on." (Please note this comparison doesn't work if you are watching the movie "Twilight.") This team was nothing before Doug Martin. Now it's like everyone woke up. Everyone but Eric Ebron. Come on, how is that guy still on a roster? JarJar has to be the most hated team in the league simply because no one can explain how he keeps winning. Consider this: He has played 29 fewer games than Sweet Dee but only has 4 fewer wins! Nobody understands what’s going on! ---- 10(9). Sweet Dee Willie Snead is the league's lowest scoring keeper, with 2.30 points on the season. That's 52 points less than the second-lowest keeper score. Did Sweet Dee think they were getting a steal with this guy? Meanwhile, new acquisition Jamison Crowder has now finished with fewer than 55 yards in ten straight games. It's all bad for Dee. They too need to go 5-2 to even have a shot at playoffs. Sweet Dee has to be the most hated team in the league simply because they never have a good team but still manage to play spoiler late in the year and ruin playoff hopes for other teams. Matchups of the Week Last week 1-5 faced 6-10, so obviously this week we have two matchups of 4-2 teams and two bottom dwellers facing off to try and keep their seasons alive. Sadly, have to go through these quickly this week. The Undercards JarJar Stinks! (2-4) takes on Sweet Dee (1-5). I don't want to alarm anybody, but this is pretty much Sweet Dee's season on the line. 2-5 isn't ideal, but it's life. 1-6 is not a good look. Speaking of needing a win, a catastrophic losing streak awaits the loser of Garoppoblow Me (3-3) and ma ma momma said (1-5). This is a Glory Bowl II rematch but the two teams have fallen a long way from grace since 2012. MMMS has QB issues and GBM has to hope Fournette doesn't disappoint. This will certainly be a battle of who chokes the least. Somone will also be coming away with a W in a now intriguing matchup between The Shotti Bunch (5-1) and Papa's Pussies (2-4). Papa opened 2016 with a shocking takedown of the defending champ, and with a new name change Papa suddenly looks unstoppable. Yeah, they're projected to lose by 30, but this isn't reality, remember? This is the Pussyverse. Finally, RIPDab (4-2) takes on Pain Train WOO WOO (4-2). Both fresh off of huge victories. Both in a fight for a bye spot. Pain Train seems to be streaming QB's against Cleveland as they will now start Marcus Mariota. RIP seems to be streaming defenses against the NYJ, as they will now start the Miami Dolphins. The Main Event The Duck Punchers (207.43) vs. Paddock 9 (193.20) There is so much going on with this battle of 4-2 teams I can hardly stand it. Not only is this a 5th Place Game rematch from last season, but this is also the weekend of the Super Bowl 51 rematch between the Patriots and the Falcons. Plus, a little out of league news, Duck Punchers and Paddock 9 recently split up as partners in SpikeBall after a year of being teammates. PLUS, the two are 6-5 lifetime in the LOC, making this one of the closest rivalries in history. Paddock 9 is ahead with six wins and is on a 4 game winning streak, but to say that Paddock 9's team is fading would be the understatement of the season. All signs point to a P9 meltdown and a Patriots win, ending both Paddock's NFL and LOC hopes at the same time. Conclusion This seems like another pivotal week in the league and at some point on Sunday we will pass the halfway point of our season. How insane is that? Will we see the first team reach 6 wins? The first team reach 6 losses? The season isn't over, but playoff spots are won and lost in October. I'm sorry I couldn't bring the heat this week but hopefully in the next couple of weeks my schedule will open up again. Commish out.